


Down In It

by Nirvnabean



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Disordered Eating, F/M, Self Confidence Issues, Sobriety, Substance Abuse, Therapy, Weight Gain, Weight Issues, binge eating, references to domestic abuse, some kink mentions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:07:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28458780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nirvnabean/pseuds/Nirvnabean
Summary: After losing most of his money and having a damaged career, Johnny Depp gets sober and moves to a small house in a suburb, where he meets his younger, pretty neighbor.Please read the tags.
Relationships: Johnny Depp/OFC, Johnny Depp/Reader
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know a lot of people hate RPF. I don't feel bad about writing this. If JD can make millions of dollars, he can deal with having a fanfic about him. If you don't like it, don't read it. I wrote this because I wanted to, and because it was fun to write, and that is all.
> 
> The sobriety and eating issues are based on personal experience.
> 
> I gave the reader a name for simplicity but you can pretend it's you if you want.

You couldn't believe it when you saw him.

Him, of all people, moving in across the street from your tiny home.

Johnny Depp, a-list celebrity, owner of God knew how many mansions and a private jet, was now living in your tiny suburban town.

Why?

That was your first question. The house wasn't anything special- a newer colonial type that looked in good condition, but was absolutely a step down from what something the likes of Johnny was used to.

Well, maybe you'd find out eventually. You watched as the movers carried everything in, Johnny coming out occasionally to direct them.

Better to let him get settled in, then maybe in a few days, introduce yourself.

\----

The movers finally left around seven pm, and Johnny was tired. He had been very selective about which pieces he wanted with him, as the house didn't have all that much space, and he was very particular about where things went. If this was going to be his new home, he wanted it to be comfortable.  
Truth be told it wasn't a bad place. The house was clean, the street was quiet. The paparazzi wouldn't be hawking him and he could afford to live there comfortably. The fact that it was a twenty minute drive into the city was great, too. If he ever got work again, it'd come in handy.

He sighed at that thought. Thirty five years of his life, he had given to the film industry, and now they'd blacklisted him, all because of his scumbag ex wife.

The thought made him want a drink, do a line, take a pill. Something to block it out. Anything. Deep in his core he wanted it, but he resisted. He had been sober for five months, two weeks, and three days, and it had taken a lot of work to get that far. He didn't want to ruin it.

Johnny took a deep breath and tried to center himself, as his therapist, Lalo, had suggested.

It helped slightly. He did it again and again until the feeling passed.

Then his stomach growled. He hadn't eaten in several hours. He frowned and rolled his eyes.

Always an addict, he had to latch onto something, and food had been the easiest thing. The result was that in five and a half months, he had put on nearly thirty pounds. Probably more now, he thought to himself. He was definitely pushing two hundred and it made him hate himself.

He tried to think of what Lalo had told him. They'd resolve the food issue in time, get him involved in something else. Exercise maybe. Some kind of sport. Maybe more painting. But as it was, if eating was keeping him from ending up in a hospital with an overdose, they'd let it be.

He pulled out his cell phone and googled the nearest pizza restaurant, then placed an order.

\----

Two hours later Johnny crawled into bed feeling incredibly full. It wasn't a new feeling for him. While uncomfortable, at least he tended to sleep more soundly when he had a full belly.  
He rested a hand on it as he lay under the covers. It was hard and stuck out far enough to block his feet somewhat, but it felt good when he touched it. His skin was so sensitive there. He felt himself harden a bit as he tan a hand along his side. Quickly, he pulled away.

'Stop that,' he told himself. 'You don't need anymore weirdness. Don't you dare get off to that.'

He had enough problems. Finding some new obscure fetish wouldn't help things.

To take his mind from it, he picked up his book, opened it up and read until he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hello?" You call out, as you knock on the door of Johnny's house. His car is there, and it's mid-afternoon. He should be awake.

There is no response for a few moments, before the door finally opens.

"Hi," Johnny greets you. "Can I help you?"

You notice that he looks nervous. Also, that his vest is unbuttoned. It doesn't look like it would button at all, actually. He looks somewhat...chubbier, than you recalled. 

"Hi! I'm your neighbor, Julia," you tell him, smiling. "I live right there." You motion towards your house, "and I brought you this. As a welcome." You show him the plate of cookies you made.

You notice his expression soften. 

"Oh. Thank you, that's very kind of you." He looks the plate over. "Double chocolate chip. One of my favorites."

You smile again.

"If you need anything at all, let me know."

"Thank you. And, um, likewise," he adds. 

"Have a good day." 

"You too, Julia."

You hear the door close as you turn around.

\----

Johnny closes the door but watches from the window as you walk back across the street.

'Of course, I get a pretty neighbor,' he thinks. Couldn't just make things easy on him. And she bakes! Ugh.

He looks the cookies over and they look fucking delicious. He may have just eaten an hour prior but his mouth is watering again.

Sighing, he sits down at the kitchen table and unwraps the dessert before taking a bite. 

The cookie is soft and rich and still warm and he literally moans as he eats it.

The problem is, he can't stop. One cookie becomes two, then three, then four and soon enough he's sitting there feeling sick from the amount of sugar he's just consumed. The entire plate is empty, and there had to be fifteen cookies on it.

His stomach grumbles, overfull, and he rubs himself. Once again his belly is hard. Its pushing up the bottom of his shirt and he knows he won't be able to wear it soon enough. 

The fullness makes him tired and he decides to take a nap.

\----

It's three days before he knocks on Julia's door. He's waited to give her back the plate hoping the delay will make him look like less of a pig. Not that it really makes a difference, he thinks to himself. He’s been binging for nearly seventy two hours and his clothes, which were already tight, are feeling even worse. He hopes Julia won’t notice.

She answers the door cheerfully, but he can see she’s tired. Her car just pulled in an hour ago and he assumes she has returned from work. She seems to perk up when she sees him, and that makes him smile slightly.

“Oh, hello!” She greets him, smiling back. “How are you?”

“Good.” He tries not to look her over, not wanting to be a creep. “I, uh, wanted to return this to you.” He holds up the plate. 

“Ah, thanks! Were the cookies good?”

“Yes,” Johnny tells her. Because they were fucking awesome. “They were among the best I’ve ever had. Thank you again.”

“That’s a high compliment. I’m sure you’ve eaten at some very famous establishments. Though...I suppose they probably serve fancier things than cookies.” She smirks, and Johnny smiles back again.

“Well, I loved them. Thanks again.”

Julia nods and takes the plate, then glances at his house.

“How are you settling in? And oh, I’m being rude. Would you like to come in for some coffee or tea? If you’re not too busy.”

Johnny pauses. The thing is, he’s not too busy. He’s been doing nothing but going through boxes, talking to Lalo and stuffing his face. He hasn’t spoken to friends or family in days. He wonders if he should drag Julia into his mess, if accepting her invitation would do that. 

Then again, it’s just coffee.

“Oh, sure,” he answers, and he follows her in.

\----

Julia’s house is small but clean. It’s decorated uniquely, creatively, and Johnny finds himself looking at all the photos and art on the walls. Her couch is layered with what look like hand made quilts and blankets and her coffee table looks hand carved but old. She leads him into the kitchen, which is in an art deco style; red walls, silver appliances and a white and black tile floor. He likes it.

She motions to a seat at a small table, which is covered with a shiny black table cloth.

“Take a seat. Would you like coffee or tea?” 

“Oh, um. Tea?” He asks, looking around some more. 

“Chamomile, lavender, green tea, black tea?” She asks. 

“Surprise me.”

Julia nods, and puts the kettle on before reaching into a box on the counter.

“I brought some crumb cake home from work,” she tells him, lifting some large slices of it out and putting them on a plate. “And some apple cake too. Would you like some? I made it.”

It’s then that Johnny realizes that he has no idea what Julia does for a living. He looks over her outfit. She’s wearing a red dress that’s plain but fits her figure well, but is also wearing flats. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail. 

“Do you work at a bakery?” He asks.

“Yep! The one over on Market Street. Have you been there?”

He shakes his head. 

“Not yet, but I’ll have to check it out.”

“So, do you want some?” She offers again.

Johnny’s not hungry, in fact he’s fairly full, but he’s not going to decline something that a beautiful woman baked.

“Sure.”

He watches as Julia places a slice of each type of cake on a plate, pairs it with a fork and places it in front of him. Seconds later, she’s pouring him a cup of tea, and one for herself as well.

“So,” she says, after a few minutes. “I’ve been curious, and I don’t mean this to be rude, but why are you here? I mean… It’s not that I’m complaining. I just assumed you’d prefer to live in a mansion in France or LA or something, not here.”

Johnny sighs, and takes a large bite of the apple cake, and it’s frigging amazing, of course. 

“I’m not exactly getting a lot of roles lately,” he eventually answers, and he hates saying it, admitting it out loud, but he has to. “If I live somewhere… smaller… I can live comfortably off of the money I have left.”

“I see,” Julia replies. “That’s smart.”

Johnny nods and takes another bite, the taste of the cake distracting him briefly. 

“For what it’s worth,” Julia continues, a moment later, “I thought it was unfair what happened to you.”

“Thanks.” He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Talking about his ex, about his life, his career, always makes him depressed. 

“So, are you like, head baker or something? I don’t know the term for it,” he forces a smile and takes another bite, finishing off the apple cake.

“Sort of. I’m the manager but I do most of the baking. I’ve been working there since I was fifteen!” 

“Oh, wow.” He starts on the crumb cake and his stomach makes a sound, as if warning him not to continue. He ignores it.

“But you don’t look that old,” he tells her. “So you can’t have been working there that long?”

“Eighteen years. I’m thirty three.”

“Not old,” he says, especially compared to himself. God, is he really fifty seven? What is this younger woman doing even talking to him? 

“Thank you. You like the cake?” She asks, though the answer is obvious, seeing how quickly he’s eating it.

“It’s perfect. Both of them,” he answers, and the pain he’s in is worth seeing Julia grin at his response. 

“Wow. Thanks,” she replies, blushing slightly. “I’m happy you’re enjoying it.”

He takes another large bite, and now the crumb cake’s almost gone. He pushes the plate away.

“I am, but I need to do less of that. Enjoying stuff like this.”

Julia looks at him quizzically.

“Why?”

“Because.”

She raises an eyebrow.

“I’m confused.”

Johnny rolls his eyes. Does he have to say it? He hadn’t even meant to make the comment. It had just slipped out.

“I need to lose weight,” he finally says, feeling ashamed. He should be better than this, shouldn't have let it get this far to begin with, but despite his shame he still sort of wants to eat the rest of the slice that’s on his plate. It makes him dislike himself more.

“You look fine to me,” Julia tells him, and she seems sincere. “I mean. I think you look good. Handsome.”

She’s blushing again and Johnny thinks it’s cute. 

“Sorry if that’s forward,” she adds, softly. 

The compliment surprisingly makes him feel slightly better and he finds himself dragging his plate closer again.

“It’s not. Thank you. It… helped, actually.”

Julia nods, “You should eat whatever you want. Life’s short. Enjoy it.”

And that’s how he ends up being sent home with half a cake, which he eats that night for dinner.


	3. Chapter 3

A week later, the scale reads 202. It makes him feel sick. He’s never been this heavy in his entire life. It means he’s put on thirty four pounds in the past six months. 

He examines himself in the mirror. Most of it’s gone to his stomach, but he’s gotten wider, too and his chest is softer. He doesn’t have moobs yet but they’ll be there soon enough if he doesn’t get this under control. Even his upper arms are softer, and his face has taken the worst of the damage. He looks puffy, older, his cheekbones barely visible. 

God, he would look horrible if on camera. He’s perversely happy that he doesn’t have to film anything right now. 

He’s frowning as he puts on his sweat pants and a XL t-shirt. Most of his jeans have given up the ghost, being too tight to button or zip, which is a bummer because he’s had those jeans for over a decade. He likes to hold onto clothes. The shirt is older, too, something that was given to him by a friend but was sized too large. He’s grateful for it now. It fits well. He supposes that he’ll have to get more clothing. How does he even do that? In his previous life, he had people to do that. Buy him clothes, make him clothes, style him. Now he’s on his own. He supposes he can go to a department store, but that would require going into public and probably getting his photo taken. 

Amazon it is, then. He spends the morning eating leftover pizza while buying t-shirts and larger sets of jeans. He’ll figure out the nicer stuff later on.

\----

Lalo has been encouraging him to talk to his friends and family at least once or twice a week, so he Facetimes with Vanessa for a bit. It’s later in the day in France, but she looks lovely. Her new husband is in the background putzing around in the kitchen. She tells him that he looks rested, and asks how he likes the neighborhood, and Johnny feels grateful that she seems legitimately concerned about his well being.

She updates him on the kids, and when he gets off the call he feels both happy and drained. It’s as if the normal tasks of life - talking to loved ones, online shopping - are difficult for him. They take more effort than they should, and he wonders if this is part of the depression that Lalo had mentioned, or if he is just so used to having everything done for him that even the simplest tasks seem like a burden.

He sits on the couch and turns on some old shows from his childhood, feeling better as he watches them. They calm him, taking him back to a simpler time. Sure, his childhood wasn’t great, but he always felt better watching The Lone Ranger for instance. 

At around five, he realizes that he’s spent six hours doing nothing but watching television. He’s hungry again and orders from a local diner, two burgers and fries and a piece of cheesecake. He knows he doesn’t need the second meal or the cheesecake, but he wants them so he gets them. 

He’s just finishing the first meal and the slice of cake when he sees Julia’s car pull in across the street. 

Something about her excites him and he’s not sure why. He’s been around more beautiful women, but she seems so sincere in her kindness. It’s nice to have someone looking out for him. They’d exchanged numbers the last time they’d met, and she sometimes texted him funny memes and checked in as well. They shared a similar sense of humor and he found himself looking forward to her messages.

An hour later, his phone chimes and it’s a message from her, inviting him to dinner. He should tell her he’s already eaten, but he doesn’t want to be alone, so he changes into the sole pair of jeans that still button and makes his way over.

\----

They’d talked for three hours, Johnny only leaving when Julia seemed as if she was getting tired. He learned that she worked early mornings at the bakery, often getting there before sunrise. He found himself feeling happy as he walked back to his house. He hadn’t laughed as hard as he had in what felt like years. It canceled out the pain he felt in his stomach. That night, he falls asleep quickly.

\----

He has a sex dream, the first he’s had in months. Stress has mostly canceled them out, but this one is… definitely unlike anything he’s had in the past.

In it, he’s still chubby, maybe even more-so, but Julia’s there and she likes it. She’s touching his belly, kissing it, and then he’s handcuffed to her bed and she’s feeding him chocolate cake and cookies. She's kissing him after she does it, her lips tasting just as sweet as the treats. She tells him how big he is, and how hot she thinks he is, and she rides him until both of them orgasm.

He’s never felt attractive like this, but now, in this dream, he does, because Julia thinks he’s attractive. He loves how she looks at him, eyeing him up, and how she treats him, so kindly and gently while she simultaneously takes control, stuffing him until it hurts. In his dream, he’s hard again even after they fuck, his cock pressing against the underside of his belly, and she jerks him off and rubs the cum all over him.

He wakes up hard and jerks off in the shower to the thought of it.


	4. Chapter 4

Julia does actually seem to find him attractive. He can tell by how she looks at him. There’s sincerity in it, and it makes him feel better about himself. Lalo says it's good, he should feel confident if not comfortable. He’s not that big and he’s still a very handsome man, Lalo says. Besides, most Americans are overweight anyway.

Johnny wonders if she likes bigger men, or if it’s specifically him that she’s into, or what. But, there is still doubt, all the way in the back of his mind, asking him if she’s just interested in him because of who he is. Does she want fame? He can’t exactly give her fortune. 

The thing is, she’s so giving. She doesn’t ask him for anything. Really, she’s always helping him. Besides baking him treats and making him dinner, she’s helped him with household issues, stuff he hasn’t had to deal with in literal decades, like how to check the fuse box when an outlet blows, or how to do delicate shirts in the laundry. He feels stupid asking, but he really hasn’t done this stuff in forever. 

And Julia never laughs at him. She simply comes over, shows him what to do, explains it all as simply as she can. Just that morning, she had shown him the difference between LED light bulbs and regular ones. She’d even purchased some LEDs for him. How he hadn’t known about such simple things is beyond him, but he supposes that he just really never had to take care of it.

Lalo says he’s proud of him, for accepting her help and for letting someone else into his life. Lalo had worried that Johnny might close himself off permanently, after what Amber had done, and for a while he had, but something about seeing Julia just felt natural.

\----

She’s coming over for dinner that night, for the first time ever. He’s always gone to hers, but he feels that it’s only fair he has her over. He wishes he could take her out somewhere, to a restaurant, but he’s still wary about being seen outside. Lalo says he has to get over that eventually, but he’s not there yet.

He has yet to tell Julia that he can’t cook. He surmises that she knows, as she’s seen the takeout containers in his garbage, but he’s still slightly embarrassed about it. He’s fifty seven. He should know how to cook _something_. He wishes he had a chef, still, to make Julia something really good. Well, the local Italian place will have to do. He calls in an order, four different dinners, so she has options, and five different desserts. No wine, but he has different beverages, sparkling water, soda, juice. 

He does his best to set up his dining room table nicely, laying out a tablecloth, candles and nice plates, with the food in the center where they can easily take from the containers. She arrives just on time, wearing a purple dress and black stockings, with little black earrings in her ears. Her hair is down and she smells nice and her makeup is done. She’s looking absolutely beautiful despite having worked all day and he feels lesser because he’s wearing jeans and a sweater and he hasn’t had his hair cut in months. 

“All of this for me?” She asks, as she sits down. She seems stunned by it. 

“I wasn’t sure what you wanted,” he says, feeling proud of his decision. “But I figured there had to be something here that you’d like.”

And there is. Julia takes a little of everything, and they talk for what feels like hours. Johnny has three plates of food, too much, and after dessert his stomach is really hurting but he’s too happy to say anything. He doesn’t want the night to end. 

They make their way to his couch and he turns on an old movie - North by Northwest. He likes old movies, they comfort him, just like Julia’s presence does. Thankfully, she likes them too. They sit next to each other and watch the big screen as the sun goes down outside.

\----

Johnny is full and warm and comfortable, and it starts making him tired. He feels his eyes shutting, but forces himself awake, not wanting Julia to leave.

Then, somehow, she seems to pick up on how he’s feeling. She grabs a throw pillow and puts it on her lap.

“I can leave if you want to go to bed. Or if you want, you can lie down,” she offers.

“You don’t mind?” He asks. And he feels like he has to ask, because Amber would go off on him for the littlest things and he knows Julia isn’t similar, but he’s still somewhat nervous, deep inside.

“I wouldn’t have offered if I did,” she replies, and pats the pillow.

He curls up on his side, head resting on her lap, and smiles as he feels her hand on him, rubbing the side of his belly gently, over his clothes, before moving to his hair. She plays with it, making him moan softly in pleasure. It’s gentle and sweet and it’s not long before he’s asleep.

\----

Julia wakes him up by playing with his hair again, once the movie is over. It’s eleven at night and he’s slept through all of it, and he feels embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he says. He had only expected to rest his eyes, but he’d slept nearly two hours. It’s humiliating because he did absolutely nothing that day, while Julia had worked a full ten hours and was still awake.

“Don’t be. There is nothing wrong with sleeping,” she says, sweetly. 

He sighs as he pushes himself up. At least his stomach feels better. 

“I think I ought to head out,” Julia tells him. “I need to get up early, but I really enjoyed this. Thank you.”

He nods and smiles and she leans in, and they kiss. It’s gentle, quick, but it’s a kiss, and he feels his heart start to race. He’s wide awake, now. 

As they pull apart, she glances at the table, where all the takeout boxes still are.

“Do you need help putting that away?” She asks. He knows she actually will help - she’s nice like that, but he doesn’t want her too.

“I’ve got it, but thanks.” He walks her to the door. “So… see you tomorrow, maybe?”

She smiles and gives him another kiss, this time on the cheek.

“See you tomorrow.”


	5. Chapter 5

On the day that he celebrates seven months of sobriety, he weighs 215 pounds. He’s amazed at it and somewhat horrified. How he put on thirteen pounds in a month and a half is beyond him.

Well, okay, it's not really. He's been eating way too much and he knows it. And fuck, he's officially obese, as his fitness app tells him. Lalo encouraged him to download it when he started worrying about his weight, but he hadn't touched it until recently. It synced up with his scale.

He goes to the mirror and looks himself over again. His belly is bigger, sticking out farther and he has love handles that jiggle when he walks. Stretch marks line his sides and hips. They're not huge but he notices them.

Julia will never be attracted to him like this. 

The realization hits him hard. Sure, she says he's handsome, but they've yet to consumate their relationship and he's terrified of what she will think if she sees him naked. 

It's the first time he's ever worried about his appearance and it makes him uneasy. He supposes that previously he had more to offer than just good looks. He had money, fame, the means to do anything he wanted and now… now he's living in a house in a suburb, trying to figure out washing machine cycles and how to correctly program his thermostat. He's _normal_. No, worse. He's less than normal because so many people hate him, and he isn't even working. _Normal_ people have jobs and aren't disliked by a large population of others.

The train of thought makes him depressed and again he wishes he had something to take his mind off of it. A Roxy would be good. Or a drink. Well, a very large drink. 

But it's been seven months, and he doesn't want to ruin it.

\----

That night he's still depressed and Julia picks up on it fast.

"You can tell me," she says. "If you want."

And he knows she probably won't judge him. He isn't sure if he can take it if she does.

"Today is my seventh month of sobriety," he starts, suddenly feeling a bit proud having said it out loud.

Julia's face lights up and he can see that she is proud of him too.

"That is wonderful!" She replies, and kisses him. "I'm so proud of you!" And she gives another kiss. "So what's wrong?"

"It's just…", he goes on, "I'm not used to this."

"This?" She looks confused.

"This life. This...this body. All of it. I haven't done this stuff in thirty five years. I've never… had issues with my weight before either." He says the last part low, under his breath.

“You look good to me,” Julia says, looking him directly in the eyes. “I think you’re very handsome.”

“I’m not like I used to be though.”

“So? It doesn’t mean you’re any less. You look a little different, sure, but you’re still gorgeous. Besides, you look like I won’t break you if I hug you or kiss you or do… other things.” She blushes but grins. “As far as _this life_ goes, I can help you. And you’re learning. You’ll be fine.”

“Hm.” He studies her, looking to see if she’s lying but she seems like she’s being honest. 

“Is that why you don’t go out?” She asks, a few seconds later.

“You noticed that, I guess,” he responds. 

“I never see your car move. Only sometimes, at weird times. Not that I’m stalking you or anything - just sometimes when I get up for work, the car is gone. But never during the day.”

“I go for drives at night but I do everything else from home. It’s just… hard. I don’t want photos taken of me and I’m sure there will be. I don’t want the attention. It’ll do more harm than good right now.”

“As long as you don’t get stuck forever,” Julia tells him. “But I understand. You’ll get there.”

“Maybe after I feel better, if I can lose some of this,” he gestures to himself. 

“If you feel you need to do that then I support you. But I really do think you look good as-is. You’ll be stunning no matter what.”

The statement makes Johnny smile.

“Thank you.” He presses a kiss to her lips. 

He feels better now and moves closer to her, resting his head on her shoulder. He's not sure why he does it but she kisses his forehead and runs a hand through his hair.

"I'm not sure how you're feeling now but I was thinking perhaps we could take this to the bedroom? I could show you exactly how attractive I find you," she winks.

It’s the first time in his life that Johnny has felt nervous about being with a woman. Still, he pushes the feeling down and nods in agreement. Julia takes his hand and helps him up, then leads him up the stairs to her room.

\----

Julia has a double sized bed, covered with a pretty handmade quilt. Her dresser has a jewelry box and some candles on top of it, and there’s books on her night stand. Johnny looks it all over briefly as he walks in, and thinks that it fits her personality. It’s orderly and neat but also a bit bohemian.

Julia leads him to her bed and he sits on the edge of it. Julia smiles and kisses him, biting his lips while she undoes his vest and helps him remove it. His shirt is next, followed by her dress. He reaches forward to undo her bra and she shrugs herself out of it and throws it to the floor. She places his hands on her breasts and he feels himself getting hard. He feels less nervous the more of his blood rushes south. 

She pushes him back onto the bed and he moves so he’s back against the headboard. Julia kneels over him and undoes his pants, which take her a second because they’re fairly tight. But she makes no comment and pulls them off, throwing them down next to her bra. Their underwear is last to go. Johnny’s totally hard now, aching to feel the woman in front of him. 

He sighs as she kisses his lips, then his ears, then moves down his neck to his collarbone, biting his skin gently, then licking around his nipple before heading further down. He tenses as she kisses his belly, trying his best to suck it in.

Julia smiles and rests a hand on his side.

“You’re fine. Don’t do that,” she tells him, and kisses him again. He doesn’t react, can’t bring himself to do so. Julia sits up and positions herself so that she’s riding him, moaning as she pushes down on him. 

Her hands move to his shoulders and she moves up and down, tightening her muscles around him and making him come close to finishing. It takes effort to stop himself from orgasming. He doesn’t want this to end too quickly. 

He reaches forward and touches her clit, rubbing it and making her moan louder. Her nipples are getting harder and she’s tensing even more around his cock, and he knows she’s close to finishing. He presses into her clit one last time and her body tightens and she pants, then bites her lip. She’s done, and so is he a second later. 

She rolls off of him and smiles. After resting for a second, she finally speaks.

“That was great. Want to take a shower?”

\----

Johnny sleeps well that night. He stays over at Julia’s, even though his own house is so close, just because it’s comfortable there. He’s comfortable there, with her. As they lay in bed he finds himself resting his head against her chest and falling asleep to the rhythm of her heartbeat. Julia wraps her arm around him as best she can and pulls the blanket up so that he’s warm, and he appreciates how much she cares for him.

He doesn’t dream of anything. He just sleeps and when he wakes up, he feels more well rested than he has in a while. Julia’s still in bed, looking at him with a little smirk on her face.

“What?” He asks, as he rubs his eyes.

“You just look cute when you sleep,” she replies. “Why don’t you stay here while I get breakfast ready.”


	6. Chapter 6

Lalo is happy about Julia. 

“She seems like she really cares about you,” he says. “And you need that. Someone to take care of you.”

Johnny sighs because he knows Lalo is right. He’s never been good on his own. Always needed support from someone or other, whether it was a girlfriend, wife, friends or staff. It makes him wonder what’s wrong with him that he can’t function on his own. Julia seems to be doing just fine. Vanessa did fine, too, with the kids no less. 

These thoughts bring them back to the ongoing discussion they’ve been having about depression. 

Lalo thinks that medication may be of help, especially as the thoughts that Johnny has impact him frequently. They might make maintaining sobriety easier as well.

Johnny finally gives in. He’s tired of feeling like this, tired of being exhausted all the time and worrying about everything, overthinking everything. It’s not like the meds have to be a permanent thing. He can stay on for a few months or a year and ease off when the time feels right. 

Lalo prescribes Lexapro and tells him that it might take a few weeks to take effect. Johnny wishes that he had the pills now, as he dreads the thought of having to go to a pharmacy and being seen by the public.

\----

In the end, Julia offers to do it for him. It’s close to her work, and she can just pick the meds up when she’s done, but it does worry her how afraid he is to do something so simple. She hopes that the medication might help but she doesn’t voice this, not yet. Everything is new and maybe he just needs more time.

She brings the pills home - a two month supply - and hands them off to Johnny when he comes over for dinner.

“You should take one of those every day, and take it with food,” she tells him. 

He looks at her with big, sad eyes, with a look that seems pitiful despite his age. 

“You don’t have to take them if you don’t want to,” she reminds him. “But if your therapist thinks they’ll help, it could be worth it to try. There’s no shame in needing a little extra help in life, you know.”

She takes his hand and kisses it, and he feels calmer somehow. It’s nice knowing that Julia isn’t judging him. He worried that she might think less of him.

He opens the container, removes a pill, takes a deep breath and places it on his tongue. He’s already had some bread so that should be enough to keep his stomach from getting upset. He washes it down with a glass of water and does his best to move on. He really hopes Lalo is right.

\----

Three weeks later, he really starts feeling the effects.

Life is better. He’s calmer, less worried, he sleeps better and isn’t overthinking everything. Julia starts spending more time at his house, helping him redecorate things to his liking. He can afford to hire painters, but it’s more fun painting the walls with her, splattering them with different colored paints to make them different and vibrant. 

They’re working on the dining room when he notices her drawing something on the wall with her finger using the paint. It’s small but he can make it out - it’s a heart, and it makes him smile.

“Showing your love for me?” He asks, jokingly.

Julia looks up at him and blushes.

“Yes,” she finally says, as she averts her gaze. “I mean. I do.”

“Love me?” He has to laugh. He’s not sure why. It seems kind of ridiculous. In his old life, this never would have happened. He wouldn’t be dating some baker chick and living in a suburb. He’d have someone painting a damn mural on his wall. Yet here he is.

“Is that bad?” She asks, confused by his reaction.

It’s not. 

“Sorry. It’s just… hard to explain. But, I love you too.”

He means it. Julia brightens his life, makes the days more bearable. She’s that little flash of joy that makes the worst days better. He’s comfortable with her, feels he can be vulnerable with her and that’s rare for him. 

“Good,” is her answer. “It would’ve been awkward if you didn’t.”

They both laugh, and Julia goes to wash her hands. She’s made them lunch - sandwiches on freshly baked bread and soup.

The sandwiches are fairly big, but he’s still not full when he’s done. Julia has only eaten half of hers and she puts the other half on his plate and smiles at him.

“You can have it.” 

He eats it, because why not. He’s still hungry, and he’s happy and might as well enjoy this moment and this food.

\----

Things go well for the next two months, and as the holidays draw nearer, Johnny finally feels ready to go out. Baby steps, Lalo tells him. Johnny decides to go somewhere local with Julia, but not to hold her hand, just because if they get caught together the media will drag her into his world of shit and he really doesn’t want that.

They go grocery shopping together, of all places, and to a bookstore afterward. Johnny’s so absorbed in the art books he’s found that he doesn’t notice anyone taking pics on their phone. He meets Julia at her car, and they go home and make dinner together and again he’s grateful for her because she’s teaching him how to cook. He can’t do anything major yet but he doesn’t have to order out as much because he can make basic items - grilled chicken, pasta, rice. Now she’s showing him how to grill hamburgers, which is really simple and he feels dumb for not having done it prior.

Julia has made sure that he has healthy food in the house, too. Fruit, vegetables, lettuce and tomatoes for salad, and he actually feels a little better physically now that he’s not constantly eating greasy, sugary food. His hair looks better, too and his face looks less puffy, at least that’s what he thinks, and that night he feels good about himself for the first time in a while.

\----

The pictures come out two days later with a headline reading ‘Depressed Depp Loses His Good Looks’. The photos they’ve chosen are horrible, it shows his fat gut and double chin and love handles.

He wonders if Julia’s seen it. She isn’t online all that much, so he thinks maybe she hasn’t. Still, it bothers him enough to make him go to the bathroom, strip down and weigh himself.

He’s stunned when the numbers go up to 229. His heart races and he literally starts to feel sick. How has he let this happen?! He’s let himself go tremendously and somehow he hadn’t noticed it recently at all. Julia certainly hadn’t mentioned it. His phone beeps and the fitness app that he’s been ignoring tells him that his BMI is now 33.1 and he wants to cry.

\----

Johnny doesn’t eat lunch, and Julia finds him sitting at the dining room table with his head down later that evening. His eyes are puffy and she’s instantly concerned.

“Are you alright?” She asks, quickly making her way over to him. “Did something happen? Are you sick?”

He sighs loudly and shakes his head.

“No. Not sick. Just fat. And disgusting.” He glares at her, suddenly feeling angry at himself again. “You need to stop bringing me cookies and cake and all that.”

Julia frowns and takes a seat next to him, then takes hold of his hand.

“If that’s what you want, that’s fine, but where is this coming from?” She plays with his hand, massaging his fingers and palm. The feeling calms him slightly.

He uses his free hand to show her his phone and the article. She pauses while she looks at it, an angry expression coming over her face.

“Fuck them. That’s a terrible photo, everyone has them. You don’t really look like that and fuck them for posting it.”

“I cannot recall a single candid photo of myself that’s ever looked this awful,” he responds, the anger returning. “I’m fucking fat and you didn't say anything and I didn’t notice.”

“Well what did you want me to say? 'Hey Johnny, better not eat that burger, you’re turning into a whale?' I didn’t say anything because I think you look fine. Gorgeous, even. You’ve been so happy these past few months and it makes you shine. Why would I mention it if I see nothing wrong with you?”

Johnny closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“You can’t mean that,” he says, voice low. “Stop trying to placate me.”

Now Julia is angry again.

“I’m not trying to placate you. Jesus, John. How about this - maybe I like bigger men just as much as others. Here,” she pulls out her own phone, scrolling through the photos in it before settling on one and handing it over. “My last boyfriend. We were together six years.”

The man is average height and slightly chubby, and Julia looks very happy in the picture. 

“So this is what you want, then? Some fat boyfriend who can’t get anyone else because they’re too much of a whale?”

Julia stares at him for a second before standing up. She puts her coat back on and begins the walk towards the front door.

“Wait -” Johnny calls out. “I didn’t mean it like that -”

“Yes you did,” she replies, “And fuck you for that. I have done everything for you. I cook for you, I helped you learn how to live on your fucking own, I’m always here for you and realistically I’ve never asked you for anything in return. Fuck you for saying what you just did.”

And with that, she walks out, the door slamming behind her.


	7. Chapter 7

Johnny feels sick again all that night. He can’t eat even though he’s hungry and he feels like he wants to throw up but there’s nothing in his system. He calls Lalo, who listens and tells him to give Julia some time and apologize sincerely in a few days.

The problem is, his life feels so empty now without her. He’s used to her working during the day, but she’s always there, or he’s always at her house in the evenings. The nights alone are boring and lonely and they hurt. He sees her walking in from work, opening the door, turning on the lights and not even giving his home a second glance. 

Julia had been right. She had given him everything, had supported him in some of his darkest times and taught him how to function. 

By the time day three rolls around, he still hasn’t eaten more than a few bites and he’s starting to feel it. He’s lying on the couch, wondering what he should do and scrolling through pictures on his phone when an idea hits him. Quickly he gets up but feels dizzy. He does actually need to eat, he realizes, and he forces himself to eat a sandwich before he gets to work.

\----

It takes him a few hours to finish making the cake. He wants it to be perfect so he watches the YouTube video on how to bake it six times, pausing it when necessary. In the end he’s got a chocolate cake with raspberry filling and chocolate fondant on top, with the words “I’m sorry and I love you” written in icing. He’s drawn little flowers around it, too, that match the ones in Julia’s garden.

Nervously, he cleans up, taking a shower and changing into his best set of clothes. He takes a deep breath before heading over, hoping that this will work.

\----

Julia answers the door looking beautiful as usual, though her expression is dour. She looks annoyed at his presence.

“What do you want?” She asks, before she notices the tray he’s holding. “What’s that?”

“Please, can I come inside?” He pleads, using the big sad puppy eyes again. “I won’t take much of your time, I swear.”

Julia sighs and rolls her eyes but allows him in. He places the tray down on her kitchen table.

“I’m really sorry about what I said. I was angry at myself and frustrated and I took it out on you and it was wrong. I know it’s not much but I made this for you.” He takes off the cover and reveals the cake, before looking at Julia.

Julia’s eyes go wide when she sees it, and her expression softens.

“You _made_ this? For me?”

“Yes. I know it’s not perfect but I tried. I really am sorry.”

Julia sighs again, her shoulders slump.

“I’m honestly stunned, because you’re really not a good cook.” She gets a knife out, and two plates. “Want some?”

Johnny nods, happy that she’s giving him more time, and takes a seat while she serves them both.

“Mmm,” she moans as the taste hits her tongue. “This is really good! Wow.”

Johnny takes a bite and has to agree, he did do a good job. He’s impressed with himself.

The two eat in silence for a few more minutes before Julia speaks up.

“I forgive you,” she says, licking a bit of frosting off of her finger. “But you need to talk to Lalo about the way you’re feeling. I love you and will support you no matter what - if you’re fat, chubby, thin, athletic, but you need to figure out what you want to do because I can’t deal with outbursts like that, especially if you’re accusing me of things I haven’t done. You need to think before you speak.”

Johnny nods in agreement, “I’ve always had issues with that, but you’re right. I do.”

Suddenly, he’s exhausted. All the energy he’s spent, the anxiety he’s had is filtering out and he rests his head in his hands.

“What’s wrong?” Julia asks, placing a hand on his back. “Talk to me.”

“I haven’t been eating much the past few days. Or sleeping. I’m sorry.”

Julia frowns.

“Let me make you something a little healthier.” She stands up and turns to her fridge, pulling out a casserole dish. Within minutes, there’s a large plate of chicken, vegetables and rice in front of him. 

His hunger really catches up with him and he eats quickly. Julia says nothing but refills his plate and watches as he finishes it again, then drinks a large glass of soda.

“Better?” She asks, smirking.

He’s starting to feel full now and he nods ‘yes’. 

“Thank you.” He leans back and rests a hand on his belly. It’s tight and warm and he’s even more tired now.

“You’re welcome. Let’s get you to bed. You look like you’re about to fall asleep right there.”

He lets her help him up and lead him to her bedroom, where she sits him on the edge of the bed and removes his shoes and socks. She helps him out of his shirt and pants, and slips a t-shirt over his head, one that he’s left there previously, and some warmer socks onto his feet because the room can be cold.

Johnny yawns and watches her pull the comforter back, and she gives him a kiss on the head after she tucks him in. He feels very young like this, having her take care of him in such a way. He likes that she stays, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him. She holds his hand with one hand and rests the other on his chest, moving it slowly towards his belly. It feels good when she rubs him, calming his overfull stomach. It makes him more tired and he closes his eyes. Within minutes, he’s asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a former addict let me just say addiction is a bitch and comes in many forms.

The thing about being in love is that it often makes you want to be better for the person you’re with.

Johnny has experienced this before, but not in a long time, and not in a way that hasn’t involved feeling guilty for not radically changing himself to fit the other person’s needs. 

He has faults, for sure. His ex-wife wanted him to be sober, which was fair, but she also wanted him completely at her beck and call, to do as she wanted and not to consider his own needs. So, it had fucked him up a little. Or a lot. 

But with Julia, he feels like she deserves better. She deserves not to be asked about simple tasks, or to have to deal with his insecurities, so he talks to Lalo who suggests focusing on different, healthier hobbies that might help him cope. 

He’s painted before and decides that doing it relaxes him, so he gets some art supplies delivered. Lalo also suggests exercise, but he’s out of shape and knows he’s not going to run a marathon anytime soon. In the end he orders an elliptical machine and some free weights. He can do little things when he feels up to it and who knows, maybe it’ll have some effect.

The first thing he paints is a gift. It’s a picture of the bakery that Julia manages. He’s never actually been inside but he drives past the front a few times and takes some photos with his phone, and is able to zoom in enough to get an idea of it. Posts on social media help too. 

He paints the counter with some cakes and pies on top and a reflection of the logo on the front window, and it looks pretty decent. The food is also things that Julia has made for him, stuff he remembers and enjoyed the most. 

It takes him nearly a month to complete it, working on it an hour or two each day, but in the end he’s satisfied enough to frame it and wrap it up. He thinks that Julia will like it - she is so supportive of him, and his work, and everything he does, really - but he’s still nervous. He had created things for Amber before. Little sketches, poems, melodies on his guitar and sometimes she liked them but sometimes she would laugh and tell him to try again, and it hurt because he usually did try. 

But, Julia’s a different person, with a different life, and she’s yet to do anything like that so he decides to take the chance. He makes them dinner - simple food, spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread - and she brings dessert and they talk about her day. He has to laugh at the customers she gets. Most are normal but she has some regular crazies that always crack him up, like the lady who keeps trying to return pies that she’s already eaten half of because she thinks they are made incorrectly. 

Julia is also starting an initiative where the bakery donates leftover food to the homeless shelter and Johnny finds himself admiring her even more.

After their meal he takes a deep breath and gathers his courage, then tells her he has a gift for her. Julia automatically smiles, and tells him he didn’t have to do anything for her, but he says he wanted to and presents her with the painting.

She takes it and stares at it for a long while, taking in the details, and her expression is unreadable. It makes him nervous again. After a moment, he clears his throat.

“Is… is it bad?”

Julia turns her attention to him.

“It’s perfect. I love how you even got the right cherries in the pie here. Black cherries. You remembered it. This is wonderful, thank you so much!”

She leans in and kisses him, then examines the painting once again, really taking it all in.

“You’re welcome. I’m, uh, glad you liked it,” he says, trying not to smile too much.

“You didn’t sign it,” she notes. 

“I can put my initials on if you want.” He doesn’t want his full name there, for some reason. It’s easier to hide behind initials. There are a million JDs in this world.

“I’d like that. Would it be okay for me to hang it at work? Behind the counter, maybe? It’s beautiful and I’d love for the rest of the town to see it. And no one will know who it’s by if it’s only your initials on it, if that worries you.”

Johnny smiles, because it’s like Julia can read his mind. He just doesn’t want the extra attention, nor does he want to bring any on Julia. The fact that no one has found his house and bothered him is lucky enough, though part of it might be that he still isn’t leaving much.

“Sure, just, if anyone asks, make up a story or something. Tell them someone else did it.”

“Alright,” Julia agrees, looking it over one more time. “I really do love it. You’re so talented. You play guitar too, right?” She nods towards a guitar case that’s sitting in the corner of the room.

“Yeah,” Johnny smiles even more. “Not in a bit, but I’m starting to go back to it.”

“Maybe sometime you can play something for me.”

Hearing that, Johnny stands up and picks the instrument up. He removes it from its case and begins to tune it before taking a seat next to Julia.

“Any requests?” He asks.

\----

Johnny’s biggest problem is that despite his efforts, the anti depressants, and the therapy, he still has a very difficult time handling stress.

The meds help with little things, like he’s no longer as nervous about going into his yard, for instance, and he’s been able to make a few trips to the pharmacy and supermarket during the daytime, but he still can’t handle anything big, and today he’s facing something rough.

His ex is speaking out again to some shitty tabloid, and she’s saying how badly he abused her and how she _thinks_ he’s living in a suburb somewhere but isn’t entirely sure. She goes into detail about their time together, discussing times he doesn’t remember because he was blacked out. She makes up stories, too, saying how he punched her and kicked her and of course the reporter eats it up. He never did those things, at least not while he was fully conscious. 

And of course, the recent photos of him at the bookstore are again published, because they’re the only ones anyone has of him from anytime in the past six months, and he’s confronted again with his appearance. 

All in all the entire thing stresses him tremendously. He wishes that Manson hadn’t sent him the article, even if the man had been expressing how sorry he was that this was happening. 

Eight and a half months ago, he would’ve taken pills, had a drink, maybe both, maybe did a line too, but now none of those are options. He ends up going for what _is_ available: several desserts that Julia had brought back from work, and half a week’s worth of leftovers.

\----

The damage he does is amazing, even he has to admit it. If his subconscious goal was to eat until he was too sick to think straight, he’s accomplished it. It literally hurts him to breathe, so he lays on the couch, covered in crumbs and chocolate and the remains of everything else he glommed down.

That's how Julia finds him an hour later. She walks in talking about making stir fry for dinner but stops when she sees him.

"Well, I guess you won't be wanting that," she jokes half heartedly, kneeling down next to him. 

He's too done to care. He hurts. Physically and mentally.

Julia rests a hand on his belly and gently wipes crumbs away. He groans in response, and then a feeling of nausea overtakes him. He sits up and retches. Julia's eyes grow wide and she grabs a large bowl from the table. It had contained a large bag of chips previously. She shoves it into his hands. 

She rubs his back as he vomits into it, bringing up surprisingly less than he had eaten.

"You're okay, you're alright," she tells him, pulling his hair back with her free hand. There are tears in his eyes from both pain and humiliation and his breathing is heavy but after a moment the worst is over. Julia takes the bowl and walks off, and he hears the toilet flush as he curls in on himself, lying on his side. His stomach still hurts.

Julia returns shortly and kneels down next to him again. He's got his arms wrapped around his stomach and is crying.

"Are you still in pain?" She asks softly.

Johnny sniffles but doesn't respond. He dually wishes she would leave, but also wants her to take care of him. 

When she gets no reply she grabs a throw pillow and helps slip it under his head, and she helps him turn onto his back. Now that she can see him more clearly it's apparent how much pain he must be in, because despite throwing up, his stomach is still very distended. She says nothing but reaches out and touches him, reaching under his shirt and rubbing slow circles on his belly. It makes sounds as she moves, and she can only imagine how much he had to eat to get this way.

After a few minutes he seems physically calmer though the tears are still there. He looks so exhausted, though, that Julia can't imagine they'll have a productive conversation. She tells him she will be right back and returns with a couple of blankets. She quietly removes his shoes and reaches to undo his jeans, which are pressing into him, before she covers him up. 

She leans in to kiss his forehead and he closes his eyes. He hates himself for this but he needs to rest. He hopes Julia will be there when he wakes up, but he wouldn't blame her if she leaves.


	9. Chapter 9

Julia is sitting in the lounge chair, flipping through channels on the television when he wakes up three hours later.

The feeling of nausea is gone and his stomach feels less full but he definitely won't be hungry for awhile. 

Hearing him stir, Julia looks over.

"How are you feeling?" She asks, a concerned expression on her face.

Johnny sighs as he pushes himself up. 

"Humiliated," he admits. 

"I'm not judging you," Julia tells him. "I don't think less of you."

Johnny snorts, "I think less of myself. I got bad news and just sorta…I don't know. Binged. It was the same when I was on drugs. One thing stressed me and I'd be on blow for three days. I'm broken. Now its even worse."

"You're not in the hospital or unconscious so I think you're doing slightly better at least," Julia replies. She gets up and takes a seat next to him, and wraps an arm around his shoulders. 

"You don't know how to cope with stress. It's a problem, but it can be fixed." She kisses his cheek. "I'm proud of you for not using or drinking."

"Thanks," Johnny mumbles. His stomach groans again. "I'm still disgusting. I ate like… three days worth of food. Probably gained another five pounds from it."

"I still love you," Julia says. 

"You won't when I'm three hundred pounds."

"I would, but you won't get that big. We'll figure this out." 

She sounds confident and it gives him a bit of hope.

"You think so?" He asks.

"Mhm. I love you and I'll help you. We'll figure it out and you'll be okay." She hugs him and he finally hugs her back.

\----

The next day, Johnny wakes up to thirteen missed calls and a litany of text messages, mostly from Adam. His heart sinks when he sees the name because he knows it can't be good.

He quickly finds that he is right. A call to Adam confirms that yet another lawsuit is coming, this time from some friend of his exes who is claiming he assaulted her. 

Johnny doesn't remember her name and doesn't even recognize her. Adam feels confident that they can get it dismissed, but it's yet another battle to fight, more press coverage when all he wants is to be left alone.

Amber took everything. His career, his legacy, even his kids have acted weird around him ever since her assertions came out. She can't even let him live in peace. 

The whole thing is kind of dizzying. Ultimately Johnny does the thing that Julia has recently been suggesting: he calls her when he feels like he's about to break.

\----

In her eighteen years at the bakery, Julia has been nothing if not responsible so when she tells the owner that she's having a family emergency and needs a few days off, he allows it, no questions asked.

She heads to Johnny's house to find him in bed, curled up and staring at the wall. He feels sick, nauseous, and like every muscle in his body is too tight. He doesn't want to do this again. If only he had something to numb it.

Julia frowns and kicks off her shoes, then crawls in next to him, spooning him. She wraps an arm around his waist and kisses the back of his neck and his shoulder. Hes not dressed, still in his pajamas, and he's shaking.

"It's going to be okay," she tells him, holding him a bit tighter. 

"I don't want to do this. I _can't_ do this again." He sniffles and Julia's heart hurts for him. 

"This time you're not alone. I'll be there with you, by your side however you need me. You won't have to face this by yourself."

He nods and knowing this makes him feel slightly better but he still can't stop crying. 

Johnny turns over to face Julia, tears streaking his face.

"This hurts," he whispers, sobbing. 

Julia nods and gently cups his cheek and kisses his forehead. 

"I know it does. I wish you didn't have to deal with it." 

"I don't even remember her. I know i didn't hurt her."

"I know. I believe you."

She pulls him as close as possible and holds him while he cries.


End file.
